Hey, so big news since we last spoke—I puked on a table at Waffle House. If you follow me on Twitter or if I have your phone number, you were probably already aware of this incident. Because when I do anything at all edgy, albeit revolting, I like to shout it from the cellular towers.

I live a relatively tame lifestyle, but on this unholy day of Halloween, I embrace my rare radical moments. I take a break from bowing to Priorities and Responsibilities, the recurrent rulers of my waking hours, and I do one thing—SLUT IT UP!

Just kidding. I’m not a big endorser of the skanky costume theory made popular by “Mean Girls” and subsequently supported by scantily clad disciples every Oct. 31. Yeah … Newsflash! The girl who wore a tankini to her graduation party does not wear fishnets on Halloween. This is not to say that I wouldn’t dole out high fives to all you brave, yet chilly bods rocking said fishnets—it’s just not for me. It must be cat-ear envy; I cannot rock those animal accessories as well as the girl in head-to-toe, black spandex. So when I talk about letting loose on All Hallow’s Eve, it’s a bit more multi-faceted than encouraging you to go pantsless or braless or wear less of anything in particular. I merely mean to suggest we could all inject a few more factors into our masked merriments this year.

With Halloween confusedly located smack dab in the middle of the workweek, time is preciously allocated for socially acceptable zombie make-up. You can’t just go to class in your banana costume and enjoy the impact of that statement all day—no, because pledging isn’t for months. Without this extended weekend opportunity for 48-hour fun in a lackadaisical costume, we must resort to well-articulated attire that packs a punch in our truncated Halloween celebrations.

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